I sit here on the verge of tears knowing I need to share what I am going through and I hope by sharing these feelings this will pass.

I have shared in my previous blog that I struggled with depression and the truth it I still struggle sometimes. It might not be as bad as it once was but I think that’s only because I like to keep a pretty tight routine in order to remain sane and I also know the signs so I can usually snap out of it before it gets bad. The truth is it’s bad and I need to snap out of it and snap out of it now.

I know I should be so excited to just have gone to Hawaii for 10 days and spent such an amazing vacation with my incredible family but yet I sit here feeling empty and alone. I have absolutely no reason for feeling the way I do right now but I do. I sit in my beautiful house watching my adorable little boy play with his blocks and I could breakdown in tears at any moment over this empty feeling i have inside. I have spent the last week walking through the motions of life but not being present. Depression is definitely peaking it’s way back into my life.

I have learned through the years what the signs are and I know that getting off my routine can definitely trigger depression for me and I think that’s why I feel the way I do. Since I have gotten back from vacation I found it extremely hard to get back to my normal routine and I am not sure if it is work stress, my baby being off his schedule or just a phase that I go through occasionally. I know i didn’t workout everyday like i need to for my mental health and i definitely didn’t eat the way i normally do when i am at home. I think maybe the combination of all of it may be the issue.

I am hoping sharing how I feel will kick start me to getting motivated to be present in life again.  When I feel like this I just can’t seem to get motivated to do anything but the necessities. I know that for me all it usually takes is getting back into a routine and getting my body moving to snap me out of it but when I went to workout yesterday not even that helped. My mind wasn’t present and I just ended up going home and not finishing my workout, which is so unlike me. My eating hasn’t been great & I find myself emotionally eating because I feel down and don’t feel like getting anything done. It has been a vicious cycle for the last week since I have been home.

Somehow my brain rationalizes that I can go one more day feeling like this and that tomorrow will be my fresh start and then the pattern continues. As I lay here writing this I am making a commitment to end the pity party and get back on track. No more missing my supplements, no more missing or leaving early from workouts and no more emotional eating. I am making a commitment to take care of my mind and my body and get back on track. I am going to stop making excuses for myself and why my house looks like a disaster. Today I am going to get things done and literally force myself to get back into my routine until I feel normal again. I know it isn’t going to happen overnight but I do know if I keep with it this feeling will surpass and I will feel myself again.